The smell of incense burning, the cool fresh air flowing through the open window, music playing from a far away land yet through my speakers, and calm sense of self- I miss it all. Somewhere between my travels and packing up my belongings countless times I seem to have lost myself. It hit me so quickly and the feeling of not knowing is so harsh it caused me to fall into a deep depression.

Now, in a town I do not really care for with people I do not recognize I am severly lost and troubled. But upon recent attempts to "find myself" I am not giving up hope and I have seen a part of myself that has been missing for months. I read my old blog entries, explored this community of zaadz {or is it now gaia?} and deep inside myself I recognize the very feeling I had the first time I logged in. It feels a glowing light throughout my body, it smells like the health food co-op {incense}, it taste like Naked Juice-Green Machine with roasted salted soybeans, and it sounds like chakra chants and chimes. This are the things I miss about my "past" life. Perhaps, soon I will find my way back.

“Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods and everything just feels as if it should?” Those words are from the singer/songwriter, Brandi Carlile. Whenever I hear that song I am taken back to just a few years ago. I was in a town about a thirty miles from my hometown near my favorite park, Mill Pond. But this was a different park, connected by a river, but there were no trails. I had decided to step into the woods and take a walk. I had no destination, no reason, I just wanted to walk.

When I feel the leaves crunch beneath my steps, hear the water trickle from the rocks, and see the trees and plants so green and full of life that is when I feel at peace. I enjoy walking off the path. I am that same way in life at times. When I do this I think about the people that I know are watching, wondering, “where on earth is this girl going”. I do not know but I sure am going to find out.

For the first time, just a few hours ago, I watched ‘Into the Wild’. I believe that that movie has and will change my life and my views of life, as well. I used to have dreams about leaving it all and living out there, in the wild. As a child I would ride on the back of my Dad’s four-wheeler and I would think about how I would survive if I had jumped off and ran away into the depths of the forest. This movie, this man’s life, was my dream.

I felt his pain, his happiness, his spirit. I connected with that character unlike any way I ever had with another soul before. Yet, in the end, if you have seen it or heard the story you know what happens. My heart sank. I wish I had a warning so I could have left the theatre with a sense of hope. But it was so poetic and beautiful that I had to just realize that is how life can be. My anger soon vanished once I realized the true lesson of the story. At first, I believed the truth was inside giving up everything, living amongst nature, and finding the answers on your own.

“Happiness is only real when shared” That is the answer. I have thought over the years that I should leave my family and travel the journey of self-discovery. When I read that line in the book I first thought about my family, my friends, enemies, strangers that I see on the street or in grocery aisles. It all seems to go together with my personal philosophy: “Smiling at Strangers equals Karma Bonus Points”. I may say it as a joke but in some sense it fits.

I do know what else to say. I am still pretty full of thoughts, emotions, and realizations. So give me time and I will continue.

But I can say this. For the time being I will not be spending my time alone. I will be spending my days with people that make me happy and that I can do the same in return.

It's far past 3 am. I'm sitting on my bed in my place listening to "Phantom Limb" by The Shins. It reminds me of my days back in High School. Driving around town with the sun shinning on my face. When everyone else stayed for lunch I'd hit the local Co-op for some naked juice and walk around my favorite park. Yes, Mill Pond. I was there last week. It's like one of those special places for me that aligns all of my chakras and cleanses my mind. I layed out on a rock next to the river. Closed my eyes and just absorbed the sounds of the water splashing against the rocks and the trees swaying in the wind. It had been a difficult week for me but that just picked up the broken pieces and stitched me back together. Suddenly all the answers came to me. I took a large breath and started over. Right at that very second. I simply brushed off all of the negativity and opened my heart and my eyes.

I've recently come to the decision that I will be attending college after all. I guess I really was one of those crazy kids that took a year off to find myself. I was having difficulty deciding upon a major until it hit me. I am going to double-major in Environmental Studies and Geography. Then, perhaps if I am still into the whole learning process I would like to earn a masters degree in sustainabilty. It gives me the chance to do what I've always cared deeply about; the environment. So I'm vowing to you all here and now, fellow zaadsters- I will do my best to do all that I can. I want to be apart of this eco-revolution. I'm ready to fight the green fight. Won't you join me?

Peace and Love as always,

Dev.

I’m homesick without any idea of what I should call home. I live with my older sister and her girlfriend= not home. My Dad and younger sister live up north in a house I’ve lived in nearly my entire live= not home. My Mom recently moved near Detroit= not home. I’m moving to my own place this weekend= home?

It’s some oxymoron isn’t it? So many places that I could live and none of them just feel right. I feel like I’m stuck in the mud at the moment. Is that a saying? It should be. I like it. [note: stuck in the mud= whenever you are trapped in a place in your life and have no idea where to go]

What is the definition of a home? ‘A place where one lives permanently’. Well, see this doesn’t fit me at all. I plan on moving around quite a bit in my lifetime. So by definition does that make me a gypsy? Minus the fact that relocating isn’t for employment but for enjoyment. Every now and then I come to the realization that home is wherever I am. My home is myself. Is anyone else dealing with this issue as well? If you are let me know how you deal with it or define it, even.

Peace & love for all.

Dev.

Do you ever notice that the night has a sound? I’m not sure what it is exactly. I’m curious to find out if the blind can hear the night coming. I am certain it’s possible. It has a certain feel as well. It feels cold and lonely. Everything and everyone has died down and it becomes a more relaxed setting. For me, the night is a time for reflection. Instead of sleeping, like I naturally should be, I think and ponder, if you will. Wondering what tomorrow will bring and if I’m going in the right direction.

Tonight, I believe I am. Things are happening for me. In good ways, too. I now not only have one job but two. I have so much extra time on my hands and I could certainly use the money so I figured I could test it out. I happen to like on of the jobs a bit more so if it becomes a hassle I’ll have no problem choosing. In the past two days I’ve reconnected with old friends. It’s funny to me that now that we are all moving away and heading out on our own that we are spending more time together. We’re finally realizing why were friends so long ago. It’s a great feeling because it’s a comfort for me. There isn’t much better than great friends that you’ve known since kindergarten. As for love, not much progress there but I’m willing to wait now. So, next on my list is finding a roommate or apartment of my own.

It’s an odd thing when you ask the universe to bring you something and if you’re patient you will get it.

My hair feels wet. The odd thing is, I've been dried off for hours now. Actually, days. At least that's what it feels like. It's 5 am, again. I've seemed to have made a habit of staying up so late or early. Nothing new. I've been this terrible insomnia for years. Nearly 18 to be exact. Yes, I've suffered my entire life. Poor me. Yeah, right. I'm assuming most creative minds do their best work at night. It's out of the norm and that's how I like to do things. It's not as if I'm trying to boost my coolness by staying up though. It's just one of my things. My little habits I carry in a suitcase wherever I go.

It could be worse. It always can be worse. Even when someone hits rock bottom it's never really quite as bad as someone else's rock bottom. Well, that made sense to me anyways. At least I think so. It's odd, sometimes I think I just trick myself into believing I understand something but in all actuality I have no idea. I'd like to believe that a lot of people in the world do that. It's easier that way.

I just realized that I miss the ocean and why my hair still feels wet. I miss the ocean so incredibly much that I used sea salt in my hair and a margarita "body" scrub. So, basically my hair is saturated in salt and oil. Nice. Back to missing the ocean. I keep a picture of Captiva Island on my desktop. I could be there right now. Well, maybe not right now. I'm sure it's still dark in FLA and I wouldn't want to endure a shark attack. Besides the point. Yes, I could be at that beach. Why am I here, then? Because I couldn't handle it. Sure I would have ridiculously low rent for a half a million dollar home that is all mine. Right on the beach in Cape Coral. Just a boat right away from the glorious Captiva Island. But I would be completely alone. No one to rescue me within more than 1,000 miles. That could be a suicide letter just waiting to be written. How poetic and sensitive of me. Sure, I suppose so.

But the beach calls. The ocean smells, the sandcastles, the sharks and alligators! Well, you have to take the bad with the good. Or is it the other way around? In my case it works. So, for now all I have is this picture of a life I could be living on my desktop. But who knows. Maybe someday soon I could be looking at that same picture but from my bedroom window.

Alone again. I'm in my bedroom. If you could even call it mine. Can you truly call a room yours if you cannot leave clothes on the floor without a stern eye twitching? I, personally, don't believe so. I urge to be a mess. It's a part of who I am. A creative, ridiculous, organized mess. As I sit here with the fan spitting cold air on my back I wonder, "Will I feel better once I have a place that I can leave wet towels on the floor and absolutely forget about it?" I have no idea. But at this point, I'm not ruling it out. I feel like the walls are coming at me. "This place is like a prison" My sister would break if she heard me say that. But I'm sorry, I need to be able to be myself without someone following behind me picking up the bread crumbs. She's doing an enormous favor for me, I know. But it's time to leave. Before it gets ugly.

Lately, interviews are filling my schedule. First, job. Then, apartment. Apparently, it all has to go in this order. My theory was... if I'm doing the best I can with the job search why not apartment search when I'm not busy? Made perfect sense to me. Oh well. I can take orders a little while longer I suppose.

My soul seems to lack the guidance it needs to get through this. It's longing for answers. And a friend. And a boyfriend or at least a date or two. After getting back into the tao way slowing and comfortably.. I'm attempting to allow myself to relax and wait. Things will happen when they are supposed to. I can put in a little effort every now and then but if it's not happening now it will in the future. So, I do what I can, then take a deep breath, enjoy the breeze on the hammock swing, and eat my wheat grass. That's all a girl can do.

So, I sit. In this cold dark basement eating my chocolate pudding. With "Such Great Heights" playing in the background. I pretend to enjoy solitude. I don't. I would rather be in the joyous company of others. Laughing, joking, and carrying on about stories of our troubled pasts. I used to have friends. Plenty of them actually. But then somehow slowly yet incredibly quickly I committed social suicide. Yes, I lived to tell the tale.

I'm living proof that there is a life after suicide. A much different and I'm mean different life. One that I love and hate at the same time. But I would never go back. No, if I had the chance to re-do it all over again I would rather stay right where I am. In this cold basement all by myself. You learn to deal. You learn to get over the word boredom. It no longer can be a part of your vocabulary or else you would have to face the fact that your life is nothing but a bunch of boring events.

So sad and depressing. That's life. Just like old blue eye's once sang, " And I'm not gonna let it get me down because this fine world keeps spinning 'round". You tend to get accustomed to the silence and worried whispers.

I've reached a point in my time here where I have learned to embrace it all to the best of my abilities. I become one with it. I realize that this is what I have therefore I should get used to it and learn to accept it. No sense in fighting what is inevitable.

I have noticed I tend to feel the breeze more, the sunshine beat on my face, I take the time to stop and enjoy. I can find the simple pleasures in life. Maybe before all the loud music, crowded drama, controlling love, and constant hurt took me away from it all. Now I can really see. See how life flows.

It's a blessing. Not completely in disguise.